I need God.

          Have you ever noticed that the people who are the happiest seem to be the closest to God?

          When I was a freshman and sophomore in high school I was so incredibly on fire for God. I'm talking I was excited to get up and go to church all day Sunday, after school on Wednesdays, and any time there was anything there on any other day in the week. We would talk about how some people would claim it was hard to go to church, and that idea just blew my mind. How could going to church and loving God be hard?!

          But then life happened. I went through some tough times. I won't go into what exactly happened, because honestly I'm not ready to share that part of my story yet, but I started skipping church every once in a while. Nothing big, just a Sunday here and there. Maybe I missed two Wednesday night bible studies in a row. But I was (am) still a Christian. And just because you don't go to church regularly doesn't make me any less of a Christian. At least that's where my mind set was.

          Let me be very clear in saying that I never stopped believing in God. I always knew he was there. I never once doubted that he sent his son to die for me so that I could live. It was just like this: you know when you talk to a couple who's gotten divorced, and they say they don't really know what happened. They just grew apart. That's how I felt. I was moving on in life, and God was always there, but I was trying to do things my way, on my time, instead of doing what I should have been: relying on him.

          Then I lost Baby B. And I was angry. I couldn't understand why God would give me this baby that I didn't want in the first place, only to take it away from me when I was finally excited about it. I couldn't understand why I had to lose my baby when there were women having abortions and throwing away their babies lives. It wasn't fair. And I was angry for a while. I tried telling myself, and every one around me, that I trusted God. That I knew he had a plan. But even a couple months ago, I didn't. I cursed God. I hated that he had chosen to put me through so much pain.

          The something happened. Losing Baby B made me take a pause. It made me realize that even though I never stopped believing in God, I had managed to place him on the back burner of my life, only pulling him forward when I thought it convenient. When I needed something. I had stopped praying every night. I had stopped giving thanks to him for all the blessings in my life. I had closed the line of communication on my side. Then it hit me, the sudden realization of how much I desperately needed to bring God back to being my first priority. Not only for me, but for my daughter.

          I honestly believe God works in mysterious ways. The other night after I had put Peyton to bed, I was watching House on Netflix (shh...don't tell my husband I was watching it without him...) but it was an episode where a nun ends up in the hospital and Dr. House does what he normally does whenever the topic of religion is discussed on the show, he immediately starts to discredit it. But in the episode, Chase is talking to the nun and she asks him what his favorite bible verse is, and he replies  1 Peter 1:7 (hang on! I'm gonna tell you what it says). And it just struck me in the heart. I realized that is exactly what God had done by blessing me with the 11 short weeks I was able to grow Baby B in my womb, and then calling him home to heaven. It was a way for God to shake me up, and test my faith and reel me back in to his eternal love and glory. So now I am making a conscious effort to get my heart back to where it should be. I'm praying every night. I'm thanking God for everything he has done in my life, the good and the bad. I've even noticed how just by reopening that line of communication, I am already starting to feel happier.

Progression.

Often time you can't see how far you've come unless you look back at where you've been.

           Photography is an ever changing and evolving art. Like anything that involves technology, you buy a brand new piece of equipment, and six months later they come out with a newer and better model. 

           I honestly don't remember when I really got into photography. Two weeks after my sweet sixteen, I bought what I thought was a "professional" camera. It was nothing too fancy, but it was a step up from the little point-and-shoot cameras I had in the past. I started just taking pictures of my pets, random objects, and of course selfies with my boyfriend.

           Then my brother-in-law joined a band and they needed pictured to go on a poster for a concert. So I ended up snapping a few shots, and realizing they weren't half bad. That's when I started really thinking I could turn this hobby into something serious. I stuck with my "professional" camera until my second semester of college. With my little Nikon L100 I actually did a few shoots. Nothing big, just a few sessions for friends here and there. And of course, they were all for free.

Oct. 2012 vs Sept. 20

           I dove head first into an industry that I had no idea about it's inner workings. There's a lot of misconceptions when it comes to photography, and I had about every single one of them. I imagined I would spend majority of my time shooting, with a little bit of editing here and there, and the clients would just pour in.

           Boy was I wrong.

           Rather than explaining separately, I mad these two handy dandy pie charts! (I would like to point out the fact that in my mind I said that in the tune that Steve from Blue's Clues pulls out his notebook...)

           Much to my surprise, and let's be honest, my disappointment, very little of my "working" time is spent actually doing the shoot. For a full session, I typically spend from 45 minutes to and hour actually taking photographs at the session. Then comes the fun part. 

           I have a system, and not all photographers work this way, but it works for me. I move the photos from my camera and onto my computer and manually flag every picture I think I might want to edit. After I've gone through the entire session, I go through all the flagged photos. I pick my favorites from each pose, and I edit those.

           An average I spend anywhere from 4-8 hours editing pictures.

           Then I still have to spend time marketing, communicating with clients, reading other photographers blogs and watching numerous YouTube tutorials so I can better my art.

           And while I do all this I have to entertain a toddler. So while I spend 4-8 hours actually editing, in reality it can take me up to two full weeks to finish a session.

Jan. 2012 vs Nov 2013

           There is a heck of a lot of self doubt when it comes to being a photographer. Am I doing this right? Will the client like this pose? Will someone think I'm trying to copy another photographers style? Is this pose too cliche? 

           One of the hardest things, in my opinion, about being a photographer is developing your own style. When you look at another photographers work, it is immediately apparent what their style. It's exponentially harder to see your own. I used to constantly worry whether or not I would ever develop my own style. I felt like I was always striving to be like someone else. I wonder look at pictures I had done and seriously wonder if there was anything distinctive about them that made people know that they were mine. 

           It wasn't wasn't until the last few weeks that I realized yes, I do have my own style. I was so excited after I had posted pictures from a recent shoot and my client had used one of the photos from her session as her profile picture. The picture didn't have a watermark on it, but my best friend shot me a text saying, "so you know its a good thing when u see a picture without a watermark on it but you say that looks like carolyns pictures.....well thats what I said when I saw [clients name]'s picture."

           That single message had me ecstatically happy because it meant that I had finally made a distinguishable style for myself.

July 2012 vs Sept 2013

           Being an introvert and a photographer is an exceedingly difficult combination. My session dialog goes a lot like this: "if you wanted to you guys could maybe sit here..." "ummmm, would you possibly like to try standing like this?" "if you wanted, you could maybe kiss..." "you can just stand however you're comfortable..."

           Because of my introvertness (is that even a word?), I want to publicly thank whoever came up the concept of Pinterest. Because it has allowed my to gather inspiration from other photographers. And when I'm really in a bind at a session and can't think of how else I want to pose I am able to whip out my phone for a few seconds and be completely re-inspired. And if I can't think of how to explain to clients how I want them to pose, I can show them a picture.

           At the same time, I would like to publicly curse whoever came up with the concept of Pinterest. I love the fact that clients are able to get inspiration for their sessions from it because it helps me to see their personality. But I absolutely hate when clients decide they must have a specific pose. Because when I'm forced to replicate another photographers work, it is stifling that personal style I have worked so hard to develop. But alas, because I am a super introvert, unless I absolutely do not feel comfortable with a pose, I generally do it anyways because I can literally not say no. 

Aug 2011 vs Oct 2013

           Finally, I would like to state why I do not deliver clients all the images from their session using this beautiful example I found on Google:

I honestly cannot find this picture using the reverse look up, so I don't know who to credit for it.