One year ago today.

One year ago today, we were on our way home from Florida. We drove over night and were exhausted when we got home. We took a nap and dropped off the rental car. Then we got ready for a little get together for my father-in-laws birthday.

One year ago today, I felt the cramps. I walked into the bathroom and saw the blood.

One year ago today, I didn't want to accept what was happening so I laid back down. I laid in bed for hours. The party went on. Nick kept on checking on me.

One year ago today, I broke down and bawled in his arms. My mom come upstairs to comfort me and I couldn't stop crying.

One year ago today, we drove to the hospital. We waited for what seemed like an eternity to get called into the back. They drew blood, ran a pelvic exam, and finally took me back to get an ultrasound.

One year ago today, I laid on the bed getting my ultrasound done and knew why they wouldn't let me see my baby on the screen. And I cried some more.

One year ago today, a doctor came in an said the words I will never forget, "well, it looks like you're not pregnant anymore."

One year ago today, my world was crushed.

Some days I'm okay. 

Some days I can't stop thinking of the baby I should be holding in my arms. The baby that would have been 5 months old right now. The baby that would have made Peyton an amazing big sister. The baby that I wasn't ready for at first, but that I wanted so bad it still hurts.

But today, I hurt.

Today, my heart aches.

Today, I wonder how much different my life would be if Baby B was here with us.

Today, I am not okay.

Today, I feel grief.

Today, I hold Peyton a little closer. I tell her I love her that much more. I cherish the moments I get to watch her grow and turn into an intelligent, witty, beautiful girl. 

Today, I pray for guidance.

But tomorrow I will stand up and be strong because I know God has a plan for me. I know he blessed me with the short amount of time I held Baby B inside me for a reason. And because I know God has a plan for me, I know I'll be okay. Maybe not today, but I will be okay.

Teaching Her Confidence

         I've said it before, and I'll saying it again, being a parent is the most absolutely terrifying thing I've ever done in my entire life. Just when you think you're stating to get a hang of things something else comes along to knock you off your feet and question every decision you've ever made.

         For instance, did you know your child can run a 102+ fever for no reason other than the fact that they have "allergies"? Because I didn't. Did you also know that your child can get a sinus infection that backs up and drains through their eyes? I'm talking legit BOOGERS seeping out of their eye sockets. It's a fun time.

         But that's not even the most terrifying thing. You want to know what it? The fact that you are almost solely responsible for setting up their self esteem and how they view themselves. I mean sure, there's going to be things in the future that have a great affect on how they view themselves, but those beginning years? That's all you.

         At first I constantly worried that I was going to do something to screw my kid up. For instance, Peyton absolutely adores having her toenails painted. We generally paint them once a week or so. And so I sat there wondering, is the fact that I paint my 21 month olds toenails going to make her too concerned with her vanity? And then there's the fact that we (and everyone else) call her adorable, cute, pretty, etc all the time. Because let's face it, she is. Then you see media messages like this:

and it makes question yourself even more. Am I bad parent for telling my daughter she's pretty? But what if I don't tell her? Will she think she's ugly?

         But then I got to thinking, Peyton also loves to read. Some nights she doesn't care about taking a stuffed animal to bed with her, she just wants to take a book. Then in the morning when she wakes up she'll calmly just sit up and start "reading". She just turned 21 months old (side note, I cannot wait for her to turn 2 so we can stop counting months) and she can already repeat the alphabet after us, knows majority of it by sight, can associates the letters with thing (A for Apple, D for Dada, etc) count to ten with some assistance (she refuses to say the number three, I have no idea why), she knows most of her colors, is learning new words everyday, and can already speak in some complete and coherent sentences. She knows emotions. If you look sad she'll come up to you, grab your face, and say, "you kay?" And let me tell you, if you are sad having her look at you with concern in her eyes sure does warm up your heart.

         I guess my whole point in this is that while I still am concerned about building her self esteem, I think so far we are doing a darn good job. She not only hears that she's beautiful on a daily basis, but that she's smart, sweet and funny too. I think the best thing we can do to set her up right is to make sure she knows that beauty shouldn't be the only thing that matters to her, while still making sure she knows she's beautiful.

         Making sure she knows that being intelligent isn't the only thing that defines her, but still telling her she's smart. Letting her feel confident in telling jokes with her friends, but making sure she knows that being a class clown isn't the most important thing in her life.

         So I'll continue to paint her nails. I'll continue to let her splash in puddles. I'll continue to let her play with both princess dolls and her daddy's wrestler figurines from when he was a kid.  I'll continue to let her fall asleep with both her baby doll and her favorite book.

         All I can do is pray that I'm doing something right, and that she continues to grow more and more confident each and every day and know that she is loved by so many kind and caring people.